Up until quite recently, cello has been something quite outside the rest of my normal life. Maybe that doesn’t make very much sense, since I’ve spoken before about how I’ve all but completely rearranged my life around playing the instrument. It’s been different because somehow I’ve managed to mostly keep my own insanity out of it. Yes, there have been numerous blog posts filled with my ever present neuroses, but that’s not quite what I’m trying to talk about. So far, the cello has given me more joy and happiness than anything else I have done in my life. I feel more like the person I always wished I was rather than the person I wished I didn’t have to be. Whenever I have gotten in the way of my own learning, I’ve managed to just simply set my neuroses down and get on with things (after some crazy blog posts, of course!)
But now there’s now. Okay, so that didn’t make any sense either. Let me see if I can figure out how to say this. For the past year and a couple months or however long it’s been, I feel like I’ve only been playing cello with part of myself (the non-crazy part.) I’ve been making progress despite my neuroses and without my neuroses. I feel like I’ve been pretending to be someone else and learning to play cello based on that person. Note to self: You’re sounding even crazier!! I’ve spent so much of my life wishing I didn’t have to be stuck inside my own head — as soon as I could talk I was apparently expressing this type of sentiment to my mother, or so she says.
Crap. I have no idea how to say any of this.
I have been playing cello for the last year with only part of myself —> I haven’t been playing cello with my whole entire self!
Disconnected thoughts here. Okay, so what got me thinking about all this nonsense? A reply to me in a comment thread of the Il Troubadore Klingon Music Project FB page:
Well, as Spock said to Saavik in the movie. “Kling akhlami buhfik, Elysia-kam!”
Sadly, I had to google it, since I’m not awesome enough to speak Klingon, and it means nobody’s perfect. Clearly I’m not, since I don’t speak Klingon! This has been a wee bit of a theme throughout my life. Okay, more than a theme, but I’m trying to be somewhat nice to myself here. I once had a teacher (non-academic) when I was younger who got really mad at me and yelled something to the effect of “You’d make faster progress if you stopped trying to be so perfect all the time!!!” It took two years of chewing it over before I finally grasped what he was saying.
This got me thinking about what I started out saying at the beginning. This theme, this one about perfectionism, it gets in the way. So far it has served me well in learning to play (no wonder I’ve been so happy for the last year!) Except I’m not playing cello with my whole self. I have to figure out a way to allow in the unwanted parts and play cello with those too. So this is what I meant about until now cello has been outside the rest of my life — it wasn’t, but I thought it was because I was being ignorant about something I already knew.
@Jon– Who would have thought that a comment said in jest would have resulted in this? (I’m assuming you were the one who wrote that comment, yes?)