The time has come where I must stop avoiding and start actively working on how I breathe while playing. My teacher kindly pointed out that up until now it has been the least of my issues, but now I’ve made enough progress that I really do have to work on having greater awareness and intentionality with my breathing because it’s actually one of the things that’s holding me back the most. I pretty much avoid any kind of breath work — I find it to be a painful reminder of my miserable failure of a spiritual life. But, I want to get better at playing cello more than anything else, so I’ll just have to deal with it. I’ve worked on various breathing exercises with scales for about an hour today, finding that it took nearly that entire time to accomplish the simple goals I set for myself because I was reluctant to use the useful tools I’d learned from zazen and its related practices. I’d sort of been planning on spending most of the rest of my life specifically avoiding anything related to meditation, but it’s rather difficult to avoid something that at one point was a big enough part of your life that it’s like avoiding your own self. *Sigh* I guess I did pick cello because I thought it would be difficult…

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