I feel like she resists everything I’m trying to do with her. I fight her, but she just pushes back even harder. It’s better than it was — I can hear how on a different cello I might like what I’m doing. Still, it has taken all the fun out of cello. Fighting with her to produce what are invariably ugly sounds is just no good. John says it sounds good to him and that he still can’t hear what I’m talking about. Bowing closer to the bridge is heavy, tense, sluggish, but still too bright, of course, from my perspective. I ask him can’t you hear it??? but he says no, to him it sounds lighter, more brilliant, more energetic than bowing further away. Ugh. I’m glad it sounds pretty to my non-existent audience, but I’d really like for it not to sound bad to me. The way it sounds makes me feel so tense that my intonation turns to absolute crap and I’m spending all my time focusing on staying relaxed so I can make my shifts that I have nothing left over for anything else. I’m really confused why this is actually sounding better to the hubby.
On another note, the search for a group to play with continues. I’ve been referred all over the place to no avail, but today I e-mailed someone in Sac who I have been told has other adult students that want to form small chamber groups. Maybe this time something will come of it, although I’m expecting not. I do hope that I can get some sort of ensemble experience before my teacher tells me I’m good enough to join the orchestra at UC Davis. I would, however, find it hilarious if that ended up being my first ever ensemble experience.