In a comment Jon Silpayamanant prompted me to think about what I want to do with cello, assuming I’m able to get to the level of ability I’d like to be at. This post is the answer to that.
When I chose to start playing cello, I did so despite not really liking the music I knew that was written for the instrument. I chose it because I love the sound of the instrument, it’s cello-y-ness. I figured that if I had to play songs I hated, I had to play songs I hated. I wanted a challenge and I figured getting outside of my comfort zone would be good. And it was. I never imagined how much cello would change the kind of music I like and how much it changed me as a person, or rather how playing cello would make me more me.
So, how is this relevant to what I want to do with cello? I can’t know what I want to do with cello. I continue to discover new things I love and more of who I truly am as I stick with this journey. The fun part is that I don’t know yet what I will discover about myself and who I really am as a musician. As I work on my rather unconventional music education I know that my tastes will change and what I want will change. For now I really love Baroque music and wish there was a beginners’ Baroque ensemble I could play with. If I ever actually get ensemble experience it could easily change, though, so I don’t count my likes now as a given in the future.
What I do know is this:
That cello has changed me for the better. I used to be depressed, horribly, since the age of 12. I was unmotivated to do anything, my intelligence wasted on just getting by. Before cello I thought many times I’d found something I really loved only to realize after many years I had been mistaken and had been denying it the whole time. I had no ambition for anything, unengaged in my life in so many ways. I may still be negative more than I’d prefer, but my funks no longer turn into year-long bouts of depression. For the first time in my life I have something I truly want and something I’m passionate about. For the first time I’m excited by the challenges I encounter.
While that isn’t a career objective, it’s enough that I know I can’t just ignore this. Life is short. Very short. It’s worth pursuing what you love regardless of how challenging is it because to not do so is far more difficult.
Does this answer your question, Jon?