I just realized that today marks one year of playing the cello, but instead of feeling excited I feel totally lame. Through some internet sleuthing I finally found a community college orchestra I could possibly one day maybe play with. There was actually some useful looking contact info on their site, which there isn’t for Sac City (where I’m taking my theory class) Music Department, which currently doesn’t seem to even have an orchestra. How they offer a program for an AA in music I don’t know.
So, I get this idea that I could contact them and find out how good I need to be to join the orchestra. Not so much for right now — I know their rehearsals clash with my theory class — but to find out what I might do to prepare for fall semester. So I wrote down the name and phone number and called. It went to voice mail and I didn’t leave a message. I figured I could e-mail. So, I sat down to write the e-mail and chickened out. I didn’t know what to say. Is it okay to even be contacting the Orchestra Director? He’s the only person with contact info there, but should I try talking to someone at Sac City first since that’s where I’m taking theory? Maybe I should ask my teacher first, but would she even know? Not likely, seeing as all her experiences have been with the Davis school system, UC Davis, and Sac State. So, here I am, decidedly NOT contacting this guy and feeling utterly awful about it, but far too terrified to do anything about it.
This reminds me distinctly of the month before I started renting my cello. I decided I wanted to play an instrument, the cello, but was wavering about it because I thought the idea was ridiculous and stupid. Eventually I got myself into the music store, where the sales person all but insulted me and told me I had to wait six months for the school cellos to come back, that all they had was a step-up model and that I wouldn’t hear the difference for a couple years anyway so I didn’t deserve to rent it. Okay, I suppose he did insult me. It took nearly a month of my husband pushing me to finally end up with the cello and a few weeks after that to finally end up with a lesson. To this day I feel absolutely awful about myself when I think about it.
In the middle of not contacting the guy, I am thinking back on all this and realize today is February 4th, one year since my first lesson. Somehow, feeling down on myself for being neurotic and scared and not acting seems perfectly appropriate in light of what it took for me to end up playing the cello.